The Power of Words!

After becoming a parent, I have been reading and attending relevant talks on parenting from time to time. One very important tip that I want to share here is about the words we use to communicate to our children.

For Asians especially, we tend to be overly modest and reserved in expressing our feelings. It is not our tradition / culture to receive and give compliments. But in order to be good parents, we need to "evolve" to prevent becoming a dinosaur or an antique!

A few key points I want to highlight here:

• Be generous in praising your children. This will build up their confidence and self esteem. Praise their good behavior instead of criticizing their bad behavior in front of your friends! The former is constructing while the latter is devastating! If you keep saying and telling them that they are stupid, they will believe it and will become stupid! It works the same way for the compliments! If you keep telling them that they are very well-behaved (of course by focusing on the good behavior that they exhibit), it will reinforce their good behavior.

• Focus on the positive, not the negative. You can see a glass filled with 50% water as "half full" instead of "half empty". Recall the time when your child was learning to walk, did you scold him when he fell down, or did you encourage him to try again, and praise him on every single step he managed to make? Use the same approach even after they grow up. When they come home with their less-than-perfect test results from school, first, focus on the effort they have made to gain the marks they have obtained, then only discuss what can be done to improve further. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Certainly, it is not easy to control our temper and "disappointment" in this situation, but it is not impossible.

• Use positive words to reinforce. Do you often say the word "Don't" to your child? "Don't run!" "Don't touch!" "Don't climb!" "Don't make noise!" Do these sound familiar? A better way of communicating this is to avoid using negation words especially to young children. This is because the moment you say "Don't think of a pink elephant", a pink elephant will first come into our mind! Instead, use phrases like "Stop there." "Wait. " "Stand still." "Keep quiet." "Keep your voice low." or suggest other activities they can do other than climbing/running.

• When you have to say "No" to the child, explain further under what condition you will say "Yes", or explain why it is a No. For example, "Can I have an ice cream?", "Yes, after we finish our dinner." "Can I watch TV?", "Yes, after you finish your homework." "Can I smoke?" "No, it is bad for health and cause cancer." "Can I steal?" "No, it is wrong because..."

• Express your love, verbally and through body language. This is probably the biggest barrier for Asians as again, it is not in "our blood". Start doing it at infant stage and just keep on doing it. With our young children, we hug and kiss them, but somehow we stop doing it as they grow up. We just need to continue some physical contact as they grow up. 

I hope that the above can help me to maintain a close relationship with my children even after they grow up. Ultimately, success in life is not measured by test results, profession, status nor wealth, is it?

SAHM (stay-at-home-mum) vs. Working Mum

As a graduate, I had never thought about quitting my job for my family before I had kids. However, like many other mothers, I went through the stage of a dilemma considering whether I should quit my job and be a full time stay-at-home-mother(SAHM). Due to some circumstances, I stopped working for about a year each for both my kids and eventually returned to work. In that sense, I was lucky to have the opportunity to experience both roles.

From my experience, as a working mother, juggling between family and career is always challenging. The most difficult part is to find a good and reliable caretaker to look after the kids while at work. Next comes the problem of housework - the main being meal preparation, laundry and cleaning the house. A lot of women choose to quit their job due to the former - they believe that they are the best caretaker of their kids - which is true but only to a certain extend. I believe that every individual is different and not everyone is "suitable" to be a homemaker. Some women are very efficient in their job but not so efficient when they stay at home. For them, it may be better to leave their children to an experienced caretaker while they go to work. The housework portion can be solved by either hiring manpower or using more automated machines.

To me, SAHM equals to supermom! It is a job without pay that one cannot leave behind "after working hours"! It is both physically and mentally draining, especially when one takes care of very young chlidren. It is not easy to feel "job satisfaction" and "sense of achievement" as the results are intangible and there is no instant reward. Besides, the financial pressure is there as one is not generating income and thus needs to be more careful with the expenditure. A capable SAHM is "expected" to be able to prepare meals and do most of the housework while taking care of the children, which is not easy if the young children cling on to you and you lack experience on how to handle them. The most irritating part is that people think it is a very easy job and you have a lot of free time! Salute to all the SAHMs!

I do believe that SAHM is good for the kid if the mum enjoys this job and is able to manage the stress. If you are the type who cannot "let go" of your children to another caregiver, it is better off for you to stay at home (provided that you can afford it) as you will be thinking about your children while at work and cannot do your job well. However, if you cannot let go of your career, there is no point for you to stay at home, have a miserable life and in the future regret giving up your career. There is no right or wrong. In either case, you may feel guilty - when I was an SAHM, at times, I felt guilty for not fully utilizing my capability to contribute to the society.

Consider all the pros and cons. Once you make up your mind, execute your plan and look forward. If you choose to work, try to leave behind your children while you are at work, and leave behind your work when you are at home. Make an effort to spend "quality" time with your kids. If you are an SAHM, make an effort to have some time for yourself, a short break away from the children/family to recharge yourself. Remember, parenting is a long journey. At any time, you can still change your mind. :)