The Power of Words!

After becoming a parent, I have been reading and attending relevant talks on parenting from time to time. One very important tip that I want to share here is about the words we use to communicate to our children.

For Asians especially, we tend to be overly modest and reserved in expressing our feelings. It is not our tradition / culture to receive and give compliments. But in order to be good parents, we need to "evolve" to prevent becoming a dinosaur or an antique!

A few key points I want to highlight here:

• Be generous in praising your children. This will build up their confidence and self esteem. Praise their good behavior instead of criticizing their bad behavior in front of your friends! The former is constructing while the latter is devastating! If you keep saying and telling them that they are stupid, they will believe it and will become stupid! It works the same way for the compliments! If you keep telling them that they are very well-behaved (of course by focusing on the good behavior that they exhibit), it will reinforce their good behavior.

• Focus on the positive, not the negative. You can see a glass filled with 50% water as "half full" instead of "half empty". Recall the time when your child was learning to walk, did you scold him when he fell down, or did you encourage him to try again, and praise him on every single step he managed to make? Use the same approach even after they grow up. When they come home with their less-than-perfect test results from school, first, focus on the effort they have made to gain the marks they have obtained, then only discuss what can be done to improve further. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Certainly, it is not easy to control our temper and "disappointment" in this situation, but it is not impossible.

• Use positive words to reinforce. Do you often say the word "Don't" to your child? "Don't run!" "Don't touch!" "Don't climb!" "Don't make noise!" Do these sound familiar? A better way of communicating this is to avoid using negation words especially to young children. This is because the moment you say "Don't think of a pink elephant", a pink elephant will first come into our mind! Instead, use phrases like "Stop there." "Wait. " "Stand still." "Keep quiet." "Keep your voice low." or suggest other activities they can do other than climbing/running.

• When you have to say "No" to the child, explain further under what condition you will say "Yes", or explain why it is a No. For example, "Can I have an ice cream?", "Yes, after we finish our dinner." "Can I watch TV?", "Yes, after you finish your homework." "Can I smoke?" "No, it is bad for health and cause cancer." "Can I steal?" "No, it is wrong because..."

• Express your love, verbally and through body language. This is probably the biggest barrier for Asians as again, it is not in "our blood". Start doing it at infant stage and just keep on doing it. With our young children, we hug and kiss them, but somehow we stop doing it as they grow up. We just need to continue some physical contact as they grow up. 

I hope that the above can help me to maintain a close relationship with my children even after they grow up. Ultimately, success in life is not measured by test results, profession, status nor wealth, is it?

Recommended Reading: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I was reading this book again - The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and I decided to share out with you here. Although this book primarily focuses on reviving spouse relationship, the underlying theory can be applied to any relationships, including parent-child relationship. Besides, I believe that good, loving relationship between the parents lays the foundation of a happy family, which is important for the children.

To summarize, all of us express love in many different ways, and this can be categorized into the following "five love languages" - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Out of five, we have one (or two) "primary" language in which we express our love primarily using that language. We also perceive love from others more easily when it is expressed with our primary language. When two parties speak different languages, they cannot feel the love from each other no matter how hard they try. Understanding and learning the primary language of the other party (be it our spouse or child) enables us to express our love much more effectively and enhance the relationship. It also reduces the feeling and misunderstanding that the other party doesn't love us.

A person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation loves to hear positive words of encouragement, appreciation and praising in order to feel loved.

A person whose primary love language is Quality Time needs undivided attention. It means setting some specific time for activities together like talking(no TV in between!), going for a walk, picnic, playing games etc.

A person whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts enjoys the excitement of receiving gifts and values the gifts. It does not have to be something expensive as long as it comes with a thought. It can be handmade, it can also be intangible like your presence at some occasions.

Acts of Service includes doing house chores, running errands and helping with anything that the other party values.

Physical Touch could be hugs, kisses, holding hands, a pat on the shoulder etc.

Sometimes we may do everything to express our love but miss out the primary language of the other party, and just because of that the other party will perceive that we don't love him/her! Thus it is important to understand and speak the love language of the person you love so that you can communicate your love effectively and build a loving relationship.

Obviously from a short passage I can only tell you a little about this book's content. I strongly recommend this book as it surely is a very good resource to improve relationships. It's very easy to read and you will not be able to take your hands off the book once you started. :) You can also check out other variations of this book including "The Five Love Languages of Children" and "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers", which are more specific and related to the topic parenting. Happy reading!