I was reading this book again - The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and I decided to share out with you here. Although this book primarily focuses on reviving spouse relationship, the underlying theory can be applied to any relationships, including parent-child relationship. Besides, I believe that good, loving relationship between the parents lays the foundation of a happy family, which is important for the children.
To summarize, all of us express love in many different ways, and this can be categorized into the following "five love languages" - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Out of five, we have one (or two) "primary" language in which we express our love primarily using that language. We also perceive love from others more easily when it is expressed with our primary language. When two parties speak different languages, they cannot feel the love from each other no matter how hard they try. Understanding and learning the primary language of the other party (be it our spouse or child) enables us to express our love much more effectively and enhance the relationship. It also reduces the feeling and misunderstanding that the other party doesn't love us.
A person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation loves to hear positive words of encouragement, appreciation and praising in order to feel loved.
A person whose primary love language is Quality Time needs undivided attention. It means setting some specific time for activities together like talking(no TV in between!), going for a walk, picnic, playing games etc.
A person whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts enjoys the excitement of receiving gifts and values the gifts. It does not have to be something expensive as long as it comes with a thought. It can be handmade, it can also be intangible like your presence at some occasions.
Acts of Service includes doing house chores, running errands and helping with anything that the other party values.
Physical Touch could be hugs, kisses, holding hands, a pat on the shoulder etc.
Sometimes we may do everything to express our love but miss out the primary language of the other party, and just because of that the other party will perceive that we don't love him/her! Thus it is important to understand and speak the love language of the person you love so that you can communicate your love effectively and build a loving relationship.
Obviously from a short passage I can only tell you a little about this book's content. I strongly recommend this book as it surely is a very good resource to improve relationships. It's very easy to read and you will not be able to take your hands off the book once you started. :) You can also check out other variations of this book including "The Five Love Languages of Children" and "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers", which are more specific and related to the topic parenting. Happy reading!
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
My Breastfeeding Experience and Tips (Part 2)
What I dread most in breastfeeding was... engorgement! This is a phase that every breastfeeding mother will go through, and some can be very tough to overcome.
For my first baby, although I did not have a lot of excess milk, I still experienced engorgement from time to time. The situation became worse, as I returned to work 4 months after delivery.
My engorgement was normally due to blocked ducts in some areas of my breast, so sometimes only part of the breast was harden and I might even feel one (or more) hard "pipe" on my breast where the milk was stucked! (It felt something like the root of a plant.) I tried massaging and applying warm cloth (or a milk bottle with hot water inside) on my breast, hopefully to drain the milk. It required a lot of patience and effort, and most of the time I exhausted myself before I could clear the engorgement. To reduce the pain in the breast and nipple, I also tried applying ice pad or cold cabbage on my breast, especially on the nipple. I found myself always in a dilemma, wondering if I should apply hot or cold objects on my breast. On one hand, I wanted to clear the engorgement; on the other hand, I had to protect my nipple from getting hurt so that I could continue breastfeeding. The most effective way was to let the baby suck out the milk, but the tricky part was that sometimes as he sucked, more milk was produced (more demand -> more supply) and the "pipe" became even harder! I couldn't use breast pump because it hurt a lot and it wasn't as effective as the baby's natural suck. A lot of times, I ended up going to the clinic to get some medicine to help to soften my breast. Most of the time, it was my baby who was my savior, or the medicine that helped, or the combination of both. It was such a relief every time my engorgement was cleared...
In the first four months, as I breastfed my baby directly most of the time, I had less problem with engorgement. But as soon as I returned to work and started using breast pump to extract my breast milk, I started to have frequent engorgement, at least twice per month that required visits to clinic to get the medicine. This happened because no breast pump could compare with direct breastfeeding to drain my breast. I first used Medela's electric breast pump, and later on switched to Avent manual breast pump. Although I found the latter more comfortable, it did not help much with my engorgement problem. Direct breastfeeding was still the best. I prefer the Avent manual pump because it is less noisy and more convenient - There is no need to use an adapter; although an electric pump can be battery operated as well, the battery does not last long. However, I haven't tried out the recent double breast pump (pump both sides at the same time), which I heard is efficient and saves time.
Another problem was my reduced milk supply once I started working. Breastfeeding my baby directly was the best way to trigger the supply of breast milk, and even the best breast pump had no way to compete. Returning to work also means busier life for me to cope, and more or less it did impact my breast milk production. I found it really challenging to continue breastfeeding exclusively while working on a full time job, even in my case where both my employer and my boss were very supportive. (Intel worldwide provides the facility of mother's room to enable working mothers to extract breast milk at work.) It was very stressful for me, struggling to cope with the demand of my baby with the reduced milk supply while facing the frequent engorgements that led to visits to clinic for the medicine...
Anyway, I eventually got through this tough time, and reached the milestone - 6 months after birth, I started giving formula milk to mix with my breast milk and across the next few months, slowly reducing breastfeeding. Luckily, this phase of weaning off breast milk was a smooth transition for my baby and me without any problem.
My second baby was born almost 4 years later, and this time I was much more prepared and experienced. It was a good start as I had more than enough breast milk from the moment she was born. I started storing breast milk in the freezer from the very first month and during the peak my freezer was occupied with about 35 milk bottles! (with the average of 5oz/bottle). Some people may use special disposable plastic bags or containers to store breast milk, but I found it convenient to use cheap milk bottles just to store the milk, as it was easy to pump directly into the bottle, to read and label the volume(e.g. 6oz), to transport the milk (from office to home), and to heat up the milk by soaking the milk bottles in hot water (Never use microwave to heat up breast milk as it will kill the nutrition!). The breast milk would be transferred to Dr. Brown's milk bottle of better quality to feed my baby.
Second baby sounds easy? True for the initial phase as I did not have to relearn how to breastfeed, resulting in less muscle pain in neck and back. But I had the same problem, may be even worse, with engorgement, because contrary to my first baby, this time my milk supply was more than my baby's demand, and I returned to work after only 2 months. Having too much milk can also be a problem! Although I extracted breast milk twice a day in office, at least once per week I would be facing engorgement problem, sometimes minor and cured within 24 hours, sometimes more serious and needed medicine... Again, I struggled through, until my baby was fully breastfed for 6 months. I was very unwilling to reduce and stop breastfeeding with so much milk supply (as most mothers struggle to keep up with demand), but I could not bare with the engorgement problem and had to let go eventually...
I found my breastfeeding experience for both kids equally challenging, probably because I really wanted to breastfeed them exclusively for the first six months without formula milk. Thinking back now, I think I might have tried too hard and could have let go a little. As long as I had tried my best, I shouldn't feel bad or guilty or stressful about it... Breastfeeding may be the best for the baby (and the mother), but I do not think that it should come to the extend of straining the mother. On the other hand, if I had thought that way from the very beginning, just trying my best without setting a 6 months target, I might have failed without a strong will to succeed.
I would strongly recommend at least 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding, if possible direct breastfeeding would be even better as it saves a lot of trouble, but that may be difficult for working mothers especially in Asia as we usually return to work after 2-3 months' maternity leave. I have a few friends (all are stay-at-home-mums) who managed to breastfeed their kids until 2 years old, but most working mothers breastfeed less than a year. However, it's still not an excuse to stop breastfeeding any time before 6 months - let me share a true story - a mother to a newborn in Penang worked as a sales person who was on the road frequently, and she often extracted breast milk in her car by the road side, covering the windows. I really salute this lady! She makes me feel ashamed every time I complain that extracting breast milk ("comfortably" in the mother's room at my work place) is troublesome. If she can do that, what excuse do the rest of us in the office or at home have for not able to fully breastfeed our babies?
Breastfeeding is indeed a very tough job, and every mother may face different challenges. Love, patience, perseverance and endurance led me through. I was exhausted all the time, I felt helpless whenever engorgement happened, from time to time I felt that I could not continue anymore... Strong support and encouragement from family members and friends with breastfeeding experience certainly helped me to get through this. Thank you to all of you. Also thank you to Penang Adventist Hospital's Breastfeeding Support Group, especially Ms. Christine Neoh who was guiding the group. I wish that every new mother could get the same support as me. I wish that more mothers would succeed in breastfeeding, because it's the best for you and your baby!
For my first baby, although I did not have a lot of excess milk, I still experienced engorgement from time to time. The situation became worse, as I returned to work 4 months after delivery.
My engorgement was normally due to blocked ducts in some areas of my breast, so sometimes only part of the breast was harden and I might even feel one (or more) hard "pipe" on my breast where the milk was stucked! (It felt something like the root of a plant.) I tried massaging and applying warm cloth (or a milk bottle with hot water inside) on my breast, hopefully to drain the milk. It required a lot of patience and effort, and most of the time I exhausted myself before I could clear the engorgement. To reduce the pain in the breast and nipple, I also tried applying ice pad or cold cabbage on my breast, especially on the nipple. I found myself always in a dilemma, wondering if I should apply hot or cold objects on my breast. On one hand, I wanted to clear the engorgement; on the other hand, I had to protect my nipple from getting hurt so that I could continue breastfeeding. The most effective way was to let the baby suck out the milk, but the tricky part was that sometimes as he sucked, more milk was produced (more demand -> more supply) and the "pipe" became even harder! I couldn't use breast pump because it hurt a lot and it wasn't as effective as the baby's natural suck. A lot of times, I ended up going to the clinic to get some medicine to help to soften my breast. Most of the time, it was my baby who was my savior, or the medicine that helped, or the combination of both. It was such a relief every time my engorgement was cleared...
In the first four months, as I breastfed my baby directly most of the time, I had less problem with engorgement. But as soon as I returned to work and started using breast pump to extract my breast milk, I started to have frequent engorgement, at least twice per month that required visits to clinic to get the medicine. This happened because no breast pump could compare with direct breastfeeding to drain my breast. I first used Medela's electric breast pump, and later on switched to Avent manual breast pump. Although I found the latter more comfortable, it did not help much with my engorgement problem. Direct breastfeeding was still the best. I prefer the Avent manual pump because it is less noisy and more convenient - There is no need to use an adapter; although an electric pump can be battery operated as well, the battery does not last long. However, I haven't tried out the recent double breast pump (pump both sides at the same time), which I heard is efficient and saves time.
Another problem was my reduced milk supply once I started working. Breastfeeding my baby directly was the best way to trigger the supply of breast milk, and even the best breast pump had no way to compete. Returning to work also means busier life for me to cope, and more or less it did impact my breast milk production. I found it really challenging to continue breastfeeding exclusively while working on a full time job, even in my case where both my employer and my boss were very supportive. (Intel worldwide provides the facility of mother's room to enable working mothers to extract breast milk at work.) It was very stressful for me, struggling to cope with the demand of my baby with the reduced milk supply while facing the frequent engorgements that led to visits to clinic for the medicine...
Anyway, I eventually got through this tough time, and reached the milestone - 6 months after birth, I started giving formula milk to mix with my breast milk and across the next few months, slowly reducing breastfeeding. Luckily, this phase of weaning off breast milk was a smooth transition for my baby and me without any problem.
My second baby was born almost 4 years later, and this time I was much more prepared and experienced. It was a good start as I had more than enough breast milk from the moment she was born. I started storing breast milk in the freezer from the very first month and during the peak my freezer was occupied with about 35 milk bottles! (with the average of 5oz/bottle). Some people may use special disposable plastic bags or containers to store breast milk, but I found it convenient to use cheap milk bottles just to store the milk, as it was easy to pump directly into the bottle, to read and label the volume(e.g. 6oz), to transport the milk (from office to home), and to heat up the milk by soaking the milk bottles in hot water (Never use microwave to heat up breast milk as it will kill the nutrition!). The breast milk would be transferred to Dr. Brown's milk bottle of better quality to feed my baby.
Second baby sounds easy? True for the initial phase as I did not have to relearn how to breastfeed, resulting in less muscle pain in neck and back. But I had the same problem, may be even worse, with engorgement, because contrary to my first baby, this time my milk supply was more than my baby's demand, and I returned to work after only 2 months. Having too much milk can also be a problem! Although I extracted breast milk twice a day in office, at least once per week I would be facing engorgement problem, sometimes minor and cured within 24 hours, sometimes more serious and needed medicine... Again, I struggled through, until my baby was fully breastfed for 6 months. I was very unwilling to reduce and stop breastfeeding with so much milk supply (as most mothers struggle to keep up with demand), but I could not bare with the engorgement problem and had to let go eventually...
I found my breastfeeding experience for both kids equally challenging, probably because I really wanted to breastfeed them exclusively for the first six months without formula milk. Thinking back now, I think I might have tried too hard and could have let go a little. As long as I had tried my best, I shouldn't feel bad or guilty or stressful about it... Breastfeeding may be the best for the baby (and the mother), but I do not think that it should come to the extend of straining the mother. On the other hand, if I had thought that way from the very beginning, just trying my best without setting a 6 months target, I might have failed without a strong will to succeed.
I would strongly recommend at least 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding, if possible direct breastfeeding would be even better as it saves a lot of trouble, but that may be difficult for working mothers especially in Asia as we usually return to work after 2-3 months' maternity leave. I have a few friends (all are stay-at-home-mums) who managed to breastfeed their kids until 2 years old, but most working mothers breastfeed less than a year. However, it's still not an excuse to stop breastfeeding any time before 6 months - let me share a true story - a mother to a newborn in Penang worked as a sales person who was on the road frequently, and she often extracted breast milk in her car by the road side, covering the windows. I really salute this lady! She makes me feel ashamed every time I complain that extracting breast milk ("comfortably" in the mother's room at my work place) is troublesome. If she can do that, what excuse do the rest of us in the office or at home have for not able to fully breastfeed our babies?
Breastfeeding is indeed a very tough job, and every mother may face different challenges. Love, patience, perseverance and endurance led me through. I was exhausted all the time, I felt helpless whenever engorgement happened, from time to time I felt that I could not continue anymore... Strong support and encouragement from family members and friends with breastfeeding experience certainly helped me to get through this. Thank you to all of you. Also thank you to Penang Adventist Hospital's Breastfeeding Support Group, especially Ms. Christine Neoh who was guiding the group. I wish that every new mother could get the same support as me. I wish that more mothers would succeed in breastfeeding, because it's the best for you and your baby!
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